formulas are for nothing.

another day, another kevin spacy movie. i would seriously marry that man.

me and jess have been posting video blogs. i was going to do one right now, but i feel as though i shouldn't do one with out her. i'm so loyal.

do you ever get told something about yourself that you think is completely untrue, then, after 24 hours of being pissed and resentful, realize that, whether you are or not, you need to be aware of it? i've spent the past few years of my life trying to make myself aware of my bad qualities. i want to be an awesome person. i want to love unconditionally. and despite my best efforts, i end up hurting people. i focus on trying not to be hypocritcal, selfish, or inconsiderate. instead i end up being demeaning, patronizing and rude. no one is perfect. i'm not putting myself down. just more things to be aware of.

then i started wondering where i should draw the line. i can't make everyone happy. and although i'm totally aware of my sarcasm and and the fact i can be "demeaning" at times, i like myself a lot. i don't think i shouldn't joke around with someone because they're sensative. but at the same time, i don't want to upset people. how do we know though? we all joke around with one another. and sometimes, those jokes are taken the wrong way. when we feel patronized, do we suck it up and not say anything? or should we feel comfortable enough around the people we're with to tell them we're upset? are they then going to get upset and feel attacked cause we got upset? where does it end?

it's so hard to conduct myself around people who are forever feeling put down. i understand it probably stems from insecurities, but i find myself very insensative towards it, which i shouldn't be considering i struggle with it too(insecurities, i mean). but walking on consistent eggshells because i'm affraid that the other person is going to be hurt is just a bit much. is it worth it? i have to ask myself this sometimes.

then i start to wonder...is this how people feel about me? i feel like i see myself in a completely different way then others sometimes. like i'm this hypersensative jerk who is way too easily offended and needs to calm down. so in turn i get all hard on myself because i start to feel like some baby. i'm turning heartless. i come across this statement a lot: "don't be upset because you're wrong." if ever i'm discussing something with someone, and they end up being right, so i stop the coversation, why does that automatically mean i'm pissed? do you really think i'm so sensative as to get legitamitely mad at being wrong?

i know i can only change myself, so i need to be more aware of my tone towards people. i don't want to be patronizing. i want people to enjoy my presence. not resent it.

oh times they are achanging.

sooo much to do! i'm getting kinda bummed out..not gona lie. i was just reading rachels blog and she was talking about being a legit nomad. i'm just a phony. i wana go everywhere but i can't! i thought i had all this freedom, but i'm so bogged down by school that i can't really go anywhere. it's ok though, right? i'll be done soon. i don't want to quit it, but i want to be done! i'm doing more than i would have done back home. that's for sure.

i had a field trip to the mall today. we had to ride around in wheelchairs to test retail accessability for handicapped people. i almost fell down the stairs, knocked over a t-rack of clothes, and ran into numerous people. it was my first time being disabled. not too bad..

coffee time.

productivity.

there's seriously nothing i love more than waking up early(ish) and getting everything done that i have too...plus a full days work. granted i still have homework, but homework is forever. kind of like diamonds. so i'm not worried.

this quarter is already half way over. i'm registering for next quarter classes in 2 weeks. it's going by crazy fast. i love it.

lots to do in the next month. mostly school related. i made a list in class the other day and i got so overwhelmed the my heart almost blew up.

can i just be in seattle already?