contentment is not apathy

these are the ramblings of a lindsey who couldn't sleep, which is most nights, because visions of her not-to-distant-future were dancing in her head. i don't think i have insomnia. just a night owl in it's purest form i guess? this was written a few days ago..or longer. i wasn't going to post it, but i figured if people are "following" my blog, they MUST want to hear what going on in my head, right?

so i've moved into the she-shack. it's been a little over a week now and i L.O.V.E. it. mostly cause i live with the three most awesome, beautiful, encouraging girls. and cause i don't have to sleep on a futon in my mom's front room anymore. i feel more connected and motivated in life. it's pretty crazy what paying rent does for your self esteem.



the year is already almost half way over. i can't believe i've been back in california for over 5 monthes now. it kinda blew my mind today as i was talking with my friend/co-worker, laura (she was one of the first people i met at my "new" store and she's legit). the older you get the faster time goes and i don't like that. i think it should be the other way around. i'm at an age i enjoy, slowly becoming the woman i want to be, doing the things i want to do, but it's all in fast forward it feels like.



god's really been showing me lately, though, that i just need to take my life one day at a time. it's good to have goals, ambition, motivation, but to make a definant plan for your life is certain doom. this is something that took me forever to understand. i grew up with parents who drilled into my head the "way things need to be" for my life; college, marriage, the 9-5 job...the american dream. there's nothing wrong with that,but throughout high school i felt that didn't really fit me. i tried for it though. many failed attempts at various majors. thousands of dollars down the drain in college tuition(granted i wasn't the smartest with my college choices), but it wasn't that i didn't try. lord knows i tried. i even moved across the country to focus on my education so i wouldn't get distracted. yet everytime something kept it from working out. and everytime i was devistated. completly crumbled, not understanding why i couldn't get my life going already. as all this was happening god was working within me, though. building me back up. helping me to realize my life was already going. so obvious, i know, but sometimes it's the most obvious things that we overlook.

what i think i'm trying to tell myself/express is i need to be the person i want to be now. not plan for 5 years down the road when my life is exactly where i want it to be, or so i hope. it's always the same excuses.."when i have money to spare, then i'll buy that homeless man food/give to a worthy cause" or "i'm too busy these days to read my bible/spend time with god/help out somewhere". it's hard for me not be like that, but what i need to remember is my life isn't going to get any simpler. i'm probably never going to have enough money and if anything i'll have more on my plate as life goes on.

there's so much burning in my gut right now that i'm having a hard time putting it into words. it's mostly how much i desire to be that woman who gives and expects nothing in return, as dangerous as it is. or to be the person others can go to talk to, because they know she will listen with out judgement or condemnation. i've got a long way to go. i'm just taking it in stride. i think i can finally fall asleep now.

-linds